| talking shit about a pretty sunset |
[14 Oct 2009|04:33am] |
oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
& i claim i'm not excited with my life any more
so i blame this town, this job, these friends
the truth is it's myself
& i'm trying to understand myself
& pinpoint where i am
when i finally get it figured out
i've change the whole damn plan
oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
talking shit about a pretty sunset
blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon
i've changed my mind so much i cant even trust it
my mind changed me so much i cant even trust myself
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| welcome to my spaceship |
[17 Mar 2009|01:21pm] |
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music |
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"Wounded" - Third Eye Blind |
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Hello, black Internet abyss.
I've been on the grind, trying to keep up with all the work i have to finish to graduate in May. It's so strange that I'm already in the last term of my college experience; it's the end of an era. Soon, this epic collegiate lifestyle will come to an end, and transition will begin. If anything is certain, it is change. Today I am a 22-year old full-time student, part-time waitress at a local bar. I am tall and have long, light brown hair. Tatted and pierced, consistently late and unorganized but somehow always managing to keep my head above water. May 17, I will be a college graduate, with BA's in Communication and Spanish. In September, I will be teaching English for a language school in Seville, Spain. So much has changed in the last five years, and there is no way to predict all the surprises the next five years will bring. Honestly, I can't wait. It's a long road to nowhere but fuck, it sure is a hell of a ride.
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[10 Jan 2008|02:10am] |
 This feels like something I can't fully describe, only try. This feels like multiple personalities. This feels like I'm being ripped in half. This feels poderoso. This feels life-changing. This feels like the moment as you climb to the peak of the first big drop of a rollercoaster, before you fall. Will it be exhilarating or terrifying? I'm not the first, I'm not the last. I'm just one of many who leaves the world they understand to try and understand more. I crave knowledge. My mind is insatiably hungry and wants to be fed. I can't stop this addiction: to understand myself, to understand la gente, to understand the world and the way(s) it works. I live in a space, in a box, in a town, in a state, in a country, in a continent, in a hemisphere, on a planet, amidst a galaxy that is just one in a million universes. My body is a canvas, my mind is a database and every moment I'm breathing, I'm at work. Mi ocupación es estudiante de la vida. The emotions that are coming are separate from me; they attack at the most inopportune of moments and are frustratingly persuasive. I'm thrusting myself into these states of mind that most people spend their entire life in combat with: loneliness, loveless, friendless, homeless. But I am full of spirit and determined never to be broken. Many of you have tried to break me in the past, but you did not and will never succeed. We're all made to be better than we are, and I'm doing my part to be someone I love and respect. |
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| honey, i'm hooome! |
[14 Aug 2007|01:48am] |
Hey babies! I know it's been forever and a half...! Less than a year, but almost. I'm a month and 12 days from turning 21, about to start my junior year of college at Trinity University, am working at the Hyatt Hill Country Resort and Spa about 40 hours a week, and gettin' craaaazy as much as possible! Talk to me! Say hi! Tell me things! I've missed this! :D
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[18 Sep 2006|03:14pm] |
Rachel &i were on the news in Austin at the ACL music festival. click here to watchWe're on when it gets to like 3:20 or something. Kinda crazy! |
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[23 Jul 2006|03:17am] |
Ireland was amazing. |
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[07 Jul 2006|02:51am] |
I know what it feels like to go crazy.
Something's gotta change.
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[03 Jun 2006|03:40am] |
I want to be able to type thoughts, ideas, emotions.
I want to figure everything out.
I want to know what it all means.
I want to wake up from how I feel.
But I'm scared to open my mouth,
for fear of what would come out.
THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON.THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON. THERE IS NO REASON.
Goddamn. I need a reason.
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[18 May 2006|11:41am] |
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music |
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"Rock Action" - Mogwai |
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Shit. I avoid updating this because it's hard to start writing; hard to find words to fit everything that's been happening. I couldn't possibly, unless I wrote a novel. It'd be a really shitty novel because the storyline doesn't make sense, to me at least. Or maybe it's all just happening faster than I'm able to comprehend &manage. I get by, though. I'm doing just fine.
THE GOOD:
My grades this semester came up a lot from last, from a 2.9 GPA to a 3.5. That's a fucking big leap of a difference, and I'm proud of myself for kicking it into high gear &pulling my shit together. The hardest part about college is time management; learning to balance social &academic. So now I'm a sophomore in college. That's too weird for me to even think about. Next semester I'm taking more hours than I ever have... 17. SEVENTEEN HOURS IS A LOT OF HOURS, FYI. It's going to be some scary shit.
It's going to be so amazing having Bryan close in San Marcos (like 35-40 minutes away) cos we'll be able to spend weekends together &even weekdays if we want to. I'm so fucking excited that we made it through the year of long distance. Everybody said it wouldn't be worth trying or wouldn't work for long, but they were all wrong. Bryan &i have been together almost 11 months, which is an INCREDIBLY long time for me to be with someone (&i'm not planning on it ending). He's amazing, &i fall more in love with him everyday.
I'm working at Ridge Road Animal Hospital this summer, making some phatca$h. I work like 40 hours a week &get paid $10/hour... it's ridiculous how much better of a job this is than shitty Forever21. I refuse to work there again next year. Or in retail again at all, ever. HA! My job title at RRAH is "receptionist" but in addition to answering phones, filing papers, &checking out clients, I play with puppiesssssssssss all day long. It's the most relaxing thing ever &i LOVE it.
There are a lot of really awesome friends in my life right now. Jessalyn &Jaclyn have become really good friends, &i'm hanging out more with other great people too. Katherine was home last weekend &drove all the way to Rockwall from Flower Mound to come hang out with us at Cullen's party, which made me happyhappy. She's one of the most intelligent &BEAUTIFUL people I know.
I'M GOING TO EUROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ireland, in specific, but others as well. How AMAZING is that?! My parents paid for the plane tickets with their frequent flyer miles amassed over the years. I'll be there July 11-19 &will probably be having a heart attack from sheer joy &/or excitement of the whole situation.
THE BAD:
Oh yum, this is the fun bitching part. Where to start? How about, my stepfather FORBIDDING me to get an apartment this summer. He said that until I'm completely supporting myself, they have control over that part of my life. I got angry, &he told me that if I moved out this summer they would cut me off monetarily- allowance, take my car/cell phone, insurance, medical, tuition, everything. Best part is, I've been talking about this with my mom for over a month now &she never took me seriously enought o discuss the issue with my stepdad. Why can they never let me assert independence without a huge brawl? I'm almost 20 years old &am being forced to live at home. I might have anyways, but being told I CANNOT get an apartment just pisses me off. Especially since it's my STEPDAD mandating this... but my mom would never side against him. So, I lose. I guess money will be saved, but UGH... I really wanted to become more independent, not less so. I don't even know how to handle the situation, so I'm not.
Everything is different this summer. I've been trying to formulate a rational explanation for why I feel this way &why it bugs me so much, &basically what it comes down to is that I'm selfish. I miss my friends being MY friends. I miss most of my girlfriends not being home for the summer with me... instead they're off doing awesome things far away and not missing home at all. I miss my guyfriends that have girls to be interested in now &don't need me anymore. I know it's stupid, but I love them &it hurts me that they don't care about me as much as they used to. Last summer my boys were the only things that kept me sane &this summer I don't have that. I know they are still my friends, but it's different. They're different, I'm different. We don't understand each other like we used to &it frustrates the shit out of me. I want our better friendships back, but I don't know if I want them like they are now &i don't think they'd want me either. I'm tired of trying to show them that I care &being protective of them when they don't give a shit. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but this is one of the most maddening things I'm dealing with in my life right now &i can't seem to get over it. I need to man up &get real about the situation; let go of the part of me that keeps hoping those things will change for the better.
I have little to no self control, &i need to learn some if I'm going to succeed in life. Self-control &perspective. I'm working on it, so let's leave it at that.
Overall, all I can say for myself is that I live day to day. I never know what to expect, but at the same time I know to expect the same things ever day. My mom say my #1 priority this summer should be working &saving money. I think my #1 priority should be staying afloat. That's a big enough job as it is.
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[06 Apr 2006|06:50pm] |
A beautiful girl took her own life today.
She couldn't see how many people love her.
Rest in peace, Monica.
April 6, 2006 |
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[21 Mar 2006|03:13am] |
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music |
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"Se Lest"- Sigur Ros |
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Today when I ate a Neopolitan BlueBell ice cream bar I couldn't taste the difference between the strawberry, chocolate &vanilla flavors. I suppose it's related to my lack of sense of smell, but I've never had it affect my taste so blatently before today. Weird. I was really looking forward to that ice cream, too.
My life is crazy. Spring break was spent in Colorado skiiing at Crested Butte (or "Crusted Butt" as I like to refer to it). The snow was awesome, being with Bryan all week was awesomer. However, things kicked into high gear again as soon as I got back. Marketing test Wednesday, work Thursday, wisdom teeth out on Friday, out of commission til work again on Sunday (if I don't get fired before that). All I want is for school to be out, and to go home to Dallas &be with my best friends all the time. Actually, I want that PLUS taking all my college best friends back to Dallas with me. I'm really hoping that plans for me &Bryan to get an apartment this summer will work out as well. I'm working on saving money/budgeting &I'm really getting a lot better at this whole "responsibility with money" thing. I work my ass off at two jobs for it, but hey- c'est la vie. Rockwall prom is in almost exactly a month &I still need to get a dress, etc. for it so I'm starting to stress out about that as well.
But overall, I'm doing good. I'm staying afloat, having fun, enjoying life. Jimmy reminded me that I hadn't updated in here in a while, so I thought I'd let everyone know I'm still alive.
Does anyone still read this? Lemme know.
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[28 Feb 2006|03:46am] |
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music |
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"Memorial"- Explosions in the Sky |
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Every day I make a to-do list, &every day I get little to none of the things on it done. I'm fully aware of my incapability to get things done, to find motivation to perform mundane tasks, to be responsible when all I want to do is be spontaneous &carefree. Wouldn't it be lovely to be able to live a life in which you could do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, all the time? Maybe it'd ruin my character, but I'd sure as hell enjoy it.
Also, I feel as though my body is slowly falling apart. Despite those around me denying them, I feel uglier, bigger, bitchier, etc. There's a lyric in a Tegan &Sara song, "I wouldn't like me if I met me" that I feel my life is completely in tune with right now. Cliché? Maybe. Fuck you. I like to bitch about things that irritate me. I have a little papercut on my finger that I think is infected. My favorite pair of blue flats are ripping in the toes. I don't have enough money in my bank account to refill my prescriptions. I can't remember to mail letters I wrote more than a week ago. I lost my phone at a Jewish UT frat party last weekend. My hair is too long &I don't have the money to get it cut &don't trust myself to cut it. The cafeteria was out of potatoes by the time I got there today. I miss Bella's salad dressing. Kimmie &Jimmy both mailed me letters/packages over a week ago &neither has arrived yet.
The funny part is that my life doesn't suck. I have a great life. I have beautiful friends, I have a boy who's head over heels for me &I love ridiculously in return, I go to an amazing school, &my family supports me wholeheartedly. Consequently, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a sniveling, whiney girl who needs to snap out of dwelling on the baby-problems of life &finish doing homework.
Cíao.
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[16 Feb 2006|12:29am] |
I miss my babysister so, so, so much.
Ughghhghghghghgghhhhhh.
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[15 Feb 2006|06:15pm] |
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music |
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"Girls Singing"- Mates of State |
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Oh my, my look what you've become.
It's the same for all of you.
&then it catches up
&you notice what you're made of.
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[07 Feb 2006|09:41pm] |
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music |
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"Violently Happy"- Bjork |
] |
since i met you
this small town hasn't got room
for my big feelings
violently happy
'cause i love you
violently happy
but you're not here
violently happy
come calm me down
before i get into trouble
i tip-toe down to the shore
stand by the ocean
make it roar at me
and i roar back
violently happy
'cause i love you
violently happy
but you're not here
violently happy
overemotional
violently happy
i'll get into trouble real soon
if you don't get here baby
violently happy
'cause i love you
violently happy
i'm aiming too high
violently happy
it will get me into trouble
violently happy
i'm driving my car too fast
with ecstatic music on
violently happy
i'm getting too drunk
violently happy
i'm daring people
to jump off roofs with me
only you
can calm me down
i'm aiming too high
soothe me
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[05 Feb 2006|10:43pm] |
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Nothing makes sense.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I need to decide what I want.
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[23 Jan 2006|09:26pm] |
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music |
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"Pollen"- Mirah |
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I want to make cupcakes,
that look like kittycats.
I want to wear ruffly dresses,
&twirl around barefoot.
I want blankets on green grass,
&someone playing with my hair.
I want love letters,
someone whispering sweet naivetys.
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[19 Jan 2006|02:25am] |
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You shouldn't think what you're feeling.
precoital: you sound
precoital: like a dashboard cd
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| I tend to rant in the dead of night. |
[18 Jan 2006|03:58am] |
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As per usual I'd like to preface this entry by reiterating that I hesitate to say anything containing even a remote tinge of angst. I abhor appearing as though I live for validation. For various reasons, I am programmed to shy away from action/emotion that could cause me to seem weak, typical teenager, or starved for attention. My fear of being weak I think stems in part from various subliminal socializations following my parent's divorce. For example: You are not strong until you learn to be completely independent; you are not brave unless you face yr obstacles alone; you don't have to entirely reject what causes you pain as long as you can keep it to yrself; problems are not to be seen or heard; you can never completely trust anyone; even people you think love you the most have the ability to fuck you over.
Basically I write because I have to, not for attentions or sympathies. The fact that I feel it necessary to excuse my own emotions &opinions pretty much indicts itself as pathetic in nature. But whatever, I'm notoriously the Queen of Overkill. However, the lamentation worthy of this über-intro is simple.
I don't like myself.
Not only dislike, but disgust myself.
I'm confused. I'm a brat. I'm indecisive. I'm ungrateful.
I'm impossible. I'm orchestrated. I'm closed off.
I'm irresponsible. I'm stupid. I'm failing. I'm lost.
&quite honestly, I don't know how this ends.
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inhale__exhale's journal
